dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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