Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
