so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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