I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
