your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
