I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
