Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
