Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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