bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
