Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
