Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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