sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
