half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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