i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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