Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
