I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i think i have two assholes
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
