apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
