we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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