You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
