they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
