guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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