I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
