I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
