Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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