I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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