Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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