The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
