I'd wear matching sweaters with you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
