If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
