When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
