Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
