i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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