Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
