so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So vagazzling was a success
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize