Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
