I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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