I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
