He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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