wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
