She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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