his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No more Irish car bombs ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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