i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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