Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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