So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize