those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
