I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
