My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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