dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
