So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
