Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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