I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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