I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize