last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
