And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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