You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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