There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
