It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
