I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
