There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
