there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
