your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I cut my penus on the lid.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
