ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
