i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
