So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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