They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
