What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
