Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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